The Twitcher – 20th September 2013

All smiles this week.  The sun shines, spring is sprung, the grass is riz.  In short, all we need is a serious rainy season to make the year complete.  Starting tomorrow.

Little to report on the ornithological front, other than some reproductive antics from our resident Hadedas, Darby and Joan.  In a time-honoured tradition, Darby appears to feel a profound urge, jump on top of Joan and balance there for as long as it takes.  Joan meanwhile, keeps extracting worms from our greening lawn and appears oblivious to the invasion of her, um, space.  Of more immediate interest are matters bovine: Some of our readers may have noticed an invasion of apparently quite hungry cattle in and on our CBD.

In and of itself, this phenomenon is quite romantic from a tourist perspective and is even reminiscent of rural landscapes by Gainborough and his chums.  Certainly good for the odd picture postcard.  Or is it?Yesterday, your faithful scribe had to take desperately evasive action to avoid a collision with a young heifer on the Golden Gate Road outside the village and today left long skid marks up Main Street, narrowly missing a cow with some serious attitude.  On further inspection, I saw another milk-provider munching the pot plants outside a local carpet shop and heard the clattering of not-so-tiny hooves passing Highland Coffee’s shady surrounds.  And at the Golf Estate, the security guards were manically chasing another small herd off the entrance garden (?), where the beasts were cropping the emerging greenery.

This would be tremendously fulfilling if we were, say, Animal Action, but in fact we are not.  We don’t even own any of these flatulent creatures, which incidentally look splendid on the farms around us.  Just not in our gardens, roads, shops (unless they carry Visa cards) and parks.  Perhaps the SAP should take some action, given official regulations about livestock on roads, but of course they won’t.  So what now?

Well, we could wait for a fatal collision on the byways around us, the trampling of innocent tourists on the square or real damage to retail and domestic properties.  Or we could do what the locals have always done: Break out the chain-saws and have the biggest braai in the history of the square.  No doubt this would get the attention of our masters but the problem is that we would get charged for all sorts of misdemeanours, not including heartburn.  Perhaps it’s just me, but is there something wrong with this picture?

The Twitcher