The Twitcher

08 March 2013

177 shopping days to Christmas, with Easter, Workers Day, Women’s Day and many more along the way to frustrate and upset your plans and civic responsibilities.   Talking of which, the skies over our fair village are darkening with gathering clouds of vultures and other carnivores, ahead of the Tourist Forum’s report back on its endeavours to market the Clarens Centenary.   Indeed, the internet is awash with reports, questions, accusations, counter-accusations, independent views, scientific assessments and even more reports.   So what a good time to avoid the entire subject and talk instead about sex, rose-growing or anything else unrelated to matters politic. A good place to start is with the letter ‘A’.   For example, “As the Actress said to the Bishop”.    This is generally adjudged to be a useful sequel or precursor to any important statement, such as, “the Tourist Forum report back will be a bloodbath – as the Actress said to the Bishop”.    The letter ‘B’ is also good, and starts off many important words, like “Balls-up” and “Board”, as in, “the Board will avoid any direct answers to questions”.   Skipping unimportant letters like ‘C’ and ‘D’, we proceed to ‘E’, and a statement like, “Elections for the Board have not occurred in living memory”.   Jumping forward to that sparkly letter ‘M’, we have statements like “Mandy Prior is less than happy with the Board’s report”, while ‘R’ can be used for “the general manager of the Golf Estate refuted allegations that the course was in poor condition”.   And finally, with due discretion, the letter ‘X’ commends itself to statements such as “what the XXXXXXX XXXX has the XXXXXXX board been doing all this XXXXXXX time?”    So you see, children, when there are contentious issues in prospect it is so much healthier to focus on other, less controversial issues. Turning to matters ornithological, as indeed I should, I can report that the Guinea Fowl flocks are burgeoning: My own little troop has increased by 12 hatchlings, taking it to 23, alternatively expressed as a 5kg bag of broken maize every 3 days.   At this rate, either I will be insolvent within 6 years or the local feed suppliers will move to the South Coast to avoid the growing complications of the supply chain.   On a more positive note, I can report that Kaalvoetappears to have decamped!    There is no trace to be found of him/her in the surrounding area and the paths are quiet again.   But who knows? And finally, as the Actress said to the Bishop, the seasons are turning: The first sharp temperature fluctuations are in evidence come sundown and the leaves are turning on a good many trees around the valley.   While winter may be a little way off yet, the signs are there, so be warned and rush to the Little Coat Shop without delay and avoid the coming rush!